im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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