3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
