I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
