I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
