The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Bring me that man meat
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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