I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
