I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize