college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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