I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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