Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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