why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
