i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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