I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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