If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
