I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
