Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
