Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize