awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize