2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
