I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
