just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
