and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
