Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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