I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
