Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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