just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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