Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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