you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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