let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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