I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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