Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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