I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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