Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
