I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize