you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
