Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
