I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
