your parents love me but you hate me
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
