Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I touched a dick in church today
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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