remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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