I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
