that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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