When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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