do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
