so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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