Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
