i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
