OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
