His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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