in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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