I will die if light touches me.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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