Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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