20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize