Can i not drive my cunt home
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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