You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
