i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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