Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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