could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
