The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
