the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
