Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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