Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
