i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
