Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
