It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
