I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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