I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
