i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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