dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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