Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
