I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
