I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
