My hand turned me down
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
