Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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