I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
