so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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