I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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