Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize